No Explanation
I have a good life. I love my parents, my family, my workplace, my friends, and even my car. So it is quite difficult to describe my feeling nowadays. I do not have any unsolvable problems; most of the problems in my life are beyond my control. I cannot say that I am not happy, because I am simply not sad! What is my problem actually?
It is like having to eat prawns everyday because there is no other choice. I should be thankful because I still have food to eat, right? Yes, I am. I can and I will eat the prawns if I had to, simply because it is my responsibility to feed myself and not let myself starve to death. And it is not that I feel sad whenever I put the prawn into my mouth, chew it, and swallow it. It is just that.. I do not like prawns. Or shrimps. Or squids. Or crabs. Please do not ask me why I do not like them. I do not have any explanation for that. I do not have any problem with the smell, the texture, nor the flavor. Is it a sin when I cannot find the reason for not liking something? Do I have to give a reason for the way I feel for it to be accepted?
I try very hard to be happy everyday. When I found those nasty cockroaches in my kitchen, I refuse to let that ruin my day. I find satisfaction from chasing those creatures around with a can of Ridsect and counting the number of trapped cockroaches and lizards in my cockroach trap. My KPI is the reduction of the number of free cockroaches and lizards in my kitchen. I am happy when I achieved base target (almost stretch 2) within one month.
I do not like to drive or own a car. However, living in Balok is pretty difficult without my own car. So I buy one. I find joy from building a spreadsheet on Excel 2003 and calculating how much I have to invest and how much time is needed for the income from my investment to be able pay for the price of my car (interest included). I do not know whether it is possible or not, but I am still happy to construct a plan.
There are many other things in my life that I see from an engineer’s point of view. The tools and skills that I gained from my job can be applied in everyday situations. I am grateful for that.
I was shopping in Tesco when I suddenly cried. Just like that. In public. And it was not the first time. But of course I did not let my tears roll down my cheeks. That would be totally embarrassing. I just blinked and blinked like after using eye drops. Heh heh… For quite some time, I have to be in control all the time to keep myself from crying. I am not sad. Like I said before, I have a good life. But after some thoughts, I can give you draft number 1 of the explanation.
I miss myself. There is a part of myself that is gone when I threw something away. Maybe that part of me was still attached to that thing when I threw it away. I have to get rid of it to move on; keeping it will only destroy me slowly. But without it I feel incomplete. I tried so hard to fill that emptiness but the filling does not fit into the cavity. And now the cavity is rotting. It hurts terribly. I make plans and decisions that I believe are the correct ones. It is not what I want, but it is my choice and responsibility. I do this to be fair to myself and others. I am happy that my plans are working and my targets are met, but I am putting so much effort into something that I do not like.
I know what I want, but it is wrong to want it.
